A Burst of Ray

The last few weeks have been a blur as I sit here waiting for this last group of EP's to be approved so we can be submitted.  I am so out of it these days.  It takes energy to talk. To listen.  To think.  To keep my eyes open.  During the day, I'm exhausted and yawning all day long.   Then at night, I'm wide awake.  The desire and ability to sleep - completely gone.  I  lay there in the dark, thinking about the new day that awaits and whether there will  be good news in the morning.  And that tenseness in my stomach... Did it appear to divert my attention from the hole in my heart?

Then last week I started coming up for air again as we had made it to mid-month. That's when we've been getting our monthly updates and new pictures of Em.  I sat there for a few days refreshing my email every couple minutes.  Towards the end of the week I was a madwoman (not a mad woman like I'm angry, but like a crazed madwoman).  I emailed our agency asking about our update.

The reply was the agency in Korea was super busy with traveling families so they're a little behind in getting updates out.  They said let's wait another week or so, and if we don't hear anything by then, they'd follow up with Korea.

But then yesterday morning I get an email saying "We finally got your pictures!"

That's when glimmers of color started appearing.  Our little sun sending her burst of ray all the way from Korea.

My little beautiful girl, sitting there. She looks so small and yet big at the same time.  She has grown a lot.  Which makes me so happy, and yet sad.  My sister saw her picture and cried tears that were both happy and sad.

My sweet Emerson, what are you looking at?  Is there a family being united?  Is there laughter and joy coming from down the hall?  Hang in there, baby girl.  Seeing you sitting there has given this momma strength for this last leg of the wait. Soon it will be your turn to be the one looking down the hallway to finally see us standing there. Finally able to be with you and be there for you.

I love you. Thank you for being my sunshine.

This Month's Mini Birthday Wish

Happy 21 Months to our sweet, darling Emerson!

Earlier this year I had hoped we would be traveling by April. Unfortunately that didn't happen, but like they say - "April showers bring May flowers." We were saddened not be submitted yet for EP, but there's been lots of movement in Korea during the last month and a half. That's a great sign and signals that our turn is coming up soon.

Emerson, we just have to wait for your EP to be submitted, then approved. After that we just wait for our travel call! Just typing this is getting me all excited and hopeful! Hoping and praying that a new EP batch will be submitted soon. Like this week perhaps? One can hope!

SWAK!

When Emerson goes in for her agency visit this month, she's going to have quite a few goodies waiting for her from us!

We sent the first one in March but it got there after she had already gone in for her monthly visit. I was able to send this through a friend of Emerson's foster brother's waiting family.

I sent Emerson some comfy play clothes - mostly leggings since the pants I've seen her in are always rolled up in big wads towards the bottom.

I also sent her a toddler bib that looked gigantic! I was shocked when I opened it all the way. I felt like it was big enough for me to wear - it looked that huge!

But the most important thing in this package was a video we made for her. The last video we sent was back in October so she's probably gotten tired of it by now. In this new video we incorporated pictures of us mingled with those of her foster family. Hopefully this will help her connect us together somehow. We don't want her to feel like we're random people who've shown up out of the blue to take her away from her foster family. Because one of her updates mentioned that she liked to play with dolls we used dolls half the time to tell her that her parents miss her lots!!

Our video co-stars.

Then a few weeks after I sent in our package, my friend Kimberly got her TRAVEL CALL and said she would take a care package for me! (Kimberly's daughter Emersyn - with a "y" - is just a few days apart from EmersOn!). I jumped at the chance to send another package because we had found out right before that Emerson had hurt her finger. This time I sent a normal sized bib along with some ointment and bandaids (along with another pair of leggings).

A picture of us doing the "I love you" sign used for children in Korea.

So I was feeling a bit like a rebel sending these care packages outside of our agency. The policy was that we could only send a package during Christmas and birthdays, and during the two times a year an agency representative would travel to Korea. I actually didn't know this for sure until end of last year when they noted it in a newsletter. But last week they announced that due to the increase in wait time, we would now be allowed to send a package once a month. I hope we are traveling soon, but in the meantime I'm going to start on my package for next month! I already bought two more pair of leggings. :)

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I wanted to say A BIG HUGE thanks to Karen and Kimberly for letting me send a package through and with them this past month. There is something so very special about being able to send a package to our waiting daughter. With each item I touch and put in the gift bag, it brings her just a tad bit closer and helps relieve some of the heartache of being apart.

Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out after reading my last post. I feel extremely blessed to have the support, love, and prayers of so many wonderful people. Thank you!

Last Night...

ETA 4/11/12: I wrote this post last week and had it up for about a day before taking it down. I've decided to put it back up. I wanted to keep this blog as happy and joyful for Emerson, but it should be truthful. And the truth is I miss her. To the point of heartbreak.

___________________

Last Night...

... I dreamt that I met Emerson. She and her foster mom were in a small schoolhouse and I walked in and saw her sitting on the floor.

The details are fuzzy but I remember kissing her cheeks and distinctly remember how soft they felt against my lips. Her hair was so soft under my hands. I also vividly remember her sweet baby smell as I held her tightly.

This wait is so so so hard. I don't know if it's because of that dream and then waking up to the reality that we still have to wait so long to be with her, but I'm just in a dark, sad place today. I'm sitting at work and just can't stop crying. The tears just won't stop.

I miss you so much Emerson.