Wishing Well

Today is Emerson's mini-birthday!  My little girl is already 27 months old! 

We spent part of the day at the Mission San Juan Capistrano.  I was able to get a lot of nice pictures of her there.  I never knew how difficult it was to get a good picture of an active toddler.  I would say if you could get one out of 10 in which she's not blinking, putting her hand somewhere on her face, turning her head, etc.... then that's pretty good!

Anyway, one of my favorite shots today was when came across a fountain at the Mission.  I showed Emerson last week how to throw pennies into the fountain at the mall, so today she asked me for a penny.  She doesn't know how to make wishes yet so I made them for her.  She threw in three pennies so my three wishes for her are:

That we are doing all we can and more to let her know she is unconditionally loved and safe right now, and to assure her that we are indeed her forever family.

That her precious little heart is healing from all that she's gone through, and that we can understand and tend to the heartache and pain that she doesn't express.

That our little girl will always, always know in her heart just how much she's loved!

Sleeping Milestone

Wow.  Tonight we have a first. 

I've been co-sleeping with Em ever since she came home.  During the first few days/weeks of her transition, she grieved the most at night.  She never outwardly cried during the day, but did so in her sleep.  (Just typing this breaks my heart).  During those times, if she were upset enough to wake up and if I weren't next to her, she'd get really upset. 

She was always very insistent that we sleep together.  So from day 1, I would lay down with her at bedtime and would usually fall asleep with her, then wake up for a few hours and become a night owl to catch up on stuff.  There were a few nights when I wasn't home to put her to sleep but then she'd ask daddy to sleep with her.

However, tonight she was tossing and turning a bit so I got up and said "Mommy has to go do something.  I will come up when I'm done and sleep with you, but I have to go downstairs."  For the first time, she did not protest or cry, and instead responded "Mommy is going to go downstairs, and Emerson will lay down and go to sleep?"  (but in Korean, of course). 

"Yes," I said.  "I'll be back."

Em: "Okay."

Me: "Good night."

Em: "Night!"

Me: "I love you!"

Em: "Love!"

Then I walked out and shut the door behind me.

I could not believe it.  This is the first night she fell asleep alone - willingly!  What a huge step forward!  I think that shows just how secure she feels with us now.  She knows I'll be back, and that I'll always be there in the morning. I'm overjoyed thinking about that.

However, if I'm to be completely honest - I'm teeny tiny sad thinking of how fast she's growing up.  Whereas before it was a HUGE adjustment trying to cosleep with her, now I'm loving it. I know that sounds super selfish but I'm just keeping it real.  We're finally hitting our stride as a family, and I love how at night when I'm settling in next to her, I get to see her sweet little sleeping face and just count all my blessings. I hope tonight doesn't mean the end of our cosleeping is coming soon!

But for tonight, I'll just focus on how amazing and extraordinary it is that she can securely go to sleep without having me physically there.  Three months ago, there was no way I could've ever imagined this day would come.  Just shows how I need to appreciate every single moment with our sunshine. Even the challenging ones since those end up passing and becoming a memory.  A memory in our family history.

Silent Bless You

Today Emerson sneezed while Gene and I were talking so we didn't say "Bless you" to her.

Emerson: "Ahchooo!"

Gene & Anya: silent

Emerson: (beat) "Thank you."

Gene & Anya: (laughter).

Not sure if that was Miss Sassy Pants or Miss Sarcastic.  Time will tell, but either way that girl cracks me up!

Name

We called Emerson by her Korean name for the first month or so after coming home.  We then added Emerson in front of her Korean name, and just recently started calling her Emerson only. She's been responding well to Emerson, but never actually said her own name (either in Korean or English) in reference to herself.

However, recently she started pointing out things like "That's our car," or "That's mommy's brush," etc..  This past week we were playing with her dolls and she told one of them that something was "Emerson gguh."  And tonight when I was carrying her out from her bath, she got a glimpse of the two of us in the mirror and said "Mommy rrang ('and' in Korean) Emerson"!

Now that she knows she's Emerson, we plan on calling her by both her names.  We don't want her to lose her Korean name.

Emerson rrang Mommy at the beach a couple weeks ago.

Day at the Farm

Today we visited a local farm with Em's favorite playdate friend Jonah and his family.  We all signed up for a tractor ride tour.  It was a super hot day even at 10 o'clock in the morning!) and bought a straw hat for Em at the farm.

 



Sitting next to Jonah on the tractor ride.

 

Taking off for our tour!

Jonah & mommy!

 

 

We sampled different veggies and fruits during the tour. Em is not fond of veggies so she mostly played with them instead of eating them.

Taking a break from the tractor ride to walk through a watermelon patch.

Looking for watermelons with Daddy.

Daddy and Em in front of the tractor carts.

Em couldn't wait to take off her straw hat!

 

 

 

Sunset in Korea

I took this picture in Korea the evening before we took custody of Emerson.  We were walking with Gene's cousins through a trendy, cute part of town that was a mix of old and new shops and restaurants. There were narrow cobblestone streets and lots of alley ways and side streets.  Every so often, we would find ourselves with a clear view of the city or of a mountainside.  I turned to see the sun shining brightly as it was starting to set.  It immediately made me think of Emerson and the last night she was spending with her foster family.  Remembering that moment brings tears to my eyes tonight. 

...10!

Tonight at bedtime, Em counted to 10 by herself, and in English!  For the past week or so I've been counting 1 through 10 with her, and she'd repeat the numbers after me but it was only one at a time.  So tonight I was so surprised to hear her do it by herself. It's so cute when she says "sehben"! I'm just so proud of our little girl!

Coincidentally, this week marks 10 weeks that we've been together as a family!  I've lost a sense of time since being home with her, so I can't really say if it feels longer or shorter than two and a half months.  Much of that time has been spent getting to know who she is, and adjusting to our life as a family of three.  I know she has gone through so much in that time and I am amazed at her strength and resilience.

Time will tell where she is now with her grieving and adjustment, but lately she's been reacting adversely towards certain people more strongly.  She's always been vocal about not wanting to say hi to someone or having anything to do with them, but lately she's started to cry if they start talking to her.  The worst reactions were both at restaurants and with random people (strangers) coming by and talking directly to her.  Both times she was in a high chair and immediately started crying and wanted me to hold her.

Other than that, with each passing week I see how much more comfortable she's getting with us as a family.  There are lots of laughs and recently, kisses!  She's also going through a major growing spurt. She's grown almost two inches since coming home.  She's starting to become a picky eater, though.  FM told us she eats everything well but she definitely doesn't like her veggies, and isn't particularly fond of meat.  Although she LOVES fruit and dairy!

We also recently stopped giving her the bottle at bed time.  She's been a trooper and only asked for it a couple times since we said no more bottle.  It's taking her a bit longer to fall asleep but otherwise, she's been doing well without it.

I still catch myself in wonderment at times that she's actually home with us and that I'm able to discover all these things about her!

She loves making this face! I've even caught her practicing it in front of a mirror, lol.

I recently taught her the Korean "V" sign for pictures. Her version is more of a "W"!

Birthday Girl

While we were waiting to bring her home, we celebrated every monthly mini-birthday we were apart. Sometimes it was as small as just saying "Happy 16 months!" over our morning coffee, and other times we would go to happy hour after work and do a toast in honor of her day.  I always thought that the first birthday we would have with her would be a grand, big party.  But as it turns out, with her being home such a short amount of time still, we kept her first birthday celebration home really intimate and simple.  It was just the three of us celebrating throughout the day, and it.was.awesome.

I feel like Em knew it was her birthday.  She woke up in the best mood.  I told her it was her birthday and she loved it! Every time I wished her a happy birthday throughout the day she would scrunch up her face, laugh, and do a jiggy dance!  Daddy went in to work late and we all went out for some birthday pancakes.  Then he came home early for the actual cake and presents.

Holding daddy's hand after a yummy birthday breakfast.

This is the same hanbok she wore on her first birthday but it fits much better now.

Someone was loving her cupcake and ice cream!

We squeezed in behind her while she was playing to take somewhat of a family photo!

Happy Birthday, Emerson! This is just the first of many, many more we will be celebrating together as a family!!

Home

"For this child I have prayed..."

We have been home as a family for two and a half weeks now.  In some ways it seems as if we've been together much longer than that. We are just loving getting to know our beautiful daughter.  She is such an amazing little girl!  She loves to sing, laugh, and play.  She has the cutest laugh and we are very blessed to hear it often.  She is a super quick learner and has natural athletic and musical abilities!  She's also very talkative, and I'm loving having mini-conversations with her. I'm trying to teach her some English words right now, with "please" and "thank you" being one of the first we are trying to teach her to say. However, she absolutely refuses to say those.  She has a bit of a stubborn streak, which is offset by her tendency to be very sweet and funny most of the time. She started saying "coffee" right away as she knows mommy needs it first thing in the morning.  She also says "okay," "towel," "apple," and "walking" a lot.  Very random!

I will try to post more when I can.  I want to do a whole post on our whirlwind trip in Korea.  I also want to express a heartfelt  thank you once again to her wonderful, amazing foster family.  They came out to say good-bye and it was a very emotional day. I know that even though my little girl can't express it, she must miss them so very much.

I often find myself in awe that she is really here with us. That I can reach out and hold her hand and carry her or feed her. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

"She's Beautiful!"

... said the woman who answered when I called DC last Friday to check on Em's visa interview status.

Why is this a big deal?  They need to see her picture in their system to know that her interview has been scheduled.  I called every day last week and by Friday I didn't expect to hear anything.  But then, it happened!

"She's beautiful. What a little princess!" she said.

I totally whooped and hollered and the lady laughed and congratulated me.

We are now officially *THIS* close.

ps. Happy 23rd month, baby girl.  I can't believe we'll be spending your next monthly birthday TOGETHER.

  

Mother's Day 2012

In Korea, pink or red carnations are used for showing love and gratitude on Parents Day. Mother's Day and Father's Day are celebrated together in Korea.

On this Mother's Day, I received flowers, cards, and celebrated the occasion with family.  I cherished each and every moment, but my heart and thoughts kept turning to Emerson's foster mom and her birth mother - two women to whom I will forever be grateful.

- - - - - - - - - 

Dear Emerson's foster mom,

Happy Mother's Day to the only mother Emerson has ever known.  For the past 22 months you have raised her, made her food, changed her diapers, taught her how to walk and talk, played with her, taken her to her monthly agency visits, and on and on...  You have done so much, but most of all, you have taught her what a mother is.  You have been the one to whom she has turned to for love, comfort, and reassurances.  You have been her rock and her fortress.  You have taught her to know that when she's at home and with her family, that she is in a safe place and loved.

On this Mother's Day, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being Emerson's mother while I could not.  While my heart is overflowing with joy and excitement as we count down the days to bring her home, I can only imagine what you must be feeling as you are facing the same day, but for you it will be a day when you are letting go of the little girl you have loved and raised for almost two years. She has been with you longer than you could have imagined when you first brought her home as a newborn.

I am thinking of you with so much gratitude today.  Happy Mother's Day.

Foster mom propping up Emerson from behind at Em's first birthday celebration. 

EP Submitted!!!!!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights..."

James 1:17a

It is with humbled and overjoyed hearts that we share the wonderful news that our Emerson's Exit Permit request has been submitted for approval!!  What does this mean?  It means we are in the final home stretch of our wait!  Her EP will take about 4 to 6 weeks to be approved, and then about a week after that, we expect her to receive her travel clearance!!  The end is in sight!

I have been dreaming about this day and it's still so surreal.  I was hoping we'd hear news of EP submission today and logged on to my computer first thing in the morning.  But by 8 am, all the boards were quiet and depressing, and I hadn't received an email from our agency.  I shut down my computer dejected and resigned myself to another quiet day of no news.

I took a shower and when I got out, my landline was ringing, my cell was buzzing with texts from other adoptive parents who were hearing word that our agency in Korea had submitted their new batch.  Drenched and with just a towel on, I ran to pick up the phone but missed the call.  Then my cell rang, and it was my dear friend who works for our agency to say it was our time, and that Emerson had been submitted.

Emerson's. EP. Has. Been. Submitted.

That's all it took for the water works to start.  Then Gene started calling on my other line since by then he had received an email from our agency notifying us of the same.

All this happened more than 12 hours ago and it's STILL sinking in.

Our little Emerson is going to come home.

Home.


Praising our wonderful Lord for this day!!!

A Burst of Ray

The last few weeks have been a blur as I sit here waiting for this last group of EP's to be approved so we can be submitted.  I am so out of it these days.  It takes energy to talk. To listen.  To think.  To keep my eyes open.  During the day, I'm exhausted and yawning all day long.   Then at night, I'm wide awake.  The desire and ability to sleep - completely gone.  I  lay there in the dark, thinking about the new day that awaits and whether there will  be good news in the morning.  And that tenseness in my stomach... Did it appear to divert my attention from the hole in my heart?

Then last week I started coming up for air again as we had made it to mid-month. That's when we've been getting our monthly updates and new pictures of Em.  I sat there for a few days refreshing my email every couple minutes.  Towards the end of the week I was a madwoman (not a mad woman like I'm angry, but like a crazed madwoman).  I emailed our agency asking about our update.

The reply was the agency in Korea was super busy with traveling families so they're a little behind in getting updates out.  They said let's wait another week or so, and if we don't hear anything by then, they'd follow up with Korea.

But then yesterday morning I get an email saying "We finally got your pictures!"

That's when glimmers of color started appearing.  Our little sun sending her burst of ray all the way from Korea.

My little beautiful girl, sitting there. She looks so small and yet big at the same time.  She has grown a lot.  Which makes me so happy, and yet sad.  My sister saw her picture and cried tears that were both happy and sad.

My sweet Emerson, what are you looking at?  Is there a family being united?  Is there laughter and joy coming from down the hall?  Hang in there, baby girl.  Seeing you sitting there has given this momma strength for this last leg of the wait. Soon it will be your turn to be the one looking down the hallway to finally see us standing there. Finally able to be with you and be there for you.

I love you. Thank you for being my sunshine.

This Month's Mini Birthday Wish

Happy 21 Months to our sweet, darling Emerson!

Earlier this year I had hoped we would be traveling by April. Unfortunately that didn't happen, but like they say - "April showers bring May flowers." We were saddened not be submitted yet for EP, but there's been lots of movement in Korea during the last month and a half. That's a great sign and signals that our turn is coming up soon.

Emerson, we just have to wait for your EP to be submitted, then approved. After that we just wait for our travel call! Just typing this is getting me all excited and hopeful! Hoping and praying that a new EP batch will be submitted soon. Like this week perhaps? One can hope!

SWAK!

When Emerson goes in for her agency visit this month, she's going to have quite a few goodies waiting for her from us!

We sent the first one in March but it got there after she had already gone in for her monthly visit. I was able to send this through a friend of Emerson's foster brother's waiting family.

I sent Emerson some comfy play clothes - mostly leggings since the pants I've seen her in are always rolled up in big wads towards the bottom.

I also sent her a toddler bib that looked gigantic! I was shocked when I opened it all the way. I felt like it was big enough for me to wear - it looked that huge!

But the most important thing in this package was a video we made for her. The last video we sent was back in October so she's probably gotten tired of it by now. In this new video we incorporated pictures of us mingled with those of her foster family. Hopefully this will help her connect us together somehow. We don't want her to feel like we're random people who've shown up out of the blue to take her away from her foster family. Because one of her updates mentioned that she liked to play with dolls we used dolls half the time to tell her that her parents miss her lots!!

Our video co-stars.

Then a few weeks after I sent in our package, my friend Kimberly got her TRAVEL CALL and said she would take a care package for me! (Kimberly's daughter Emersyn - with a "y" - is just a few days apart from EmersOn!). I jumped at the chance to send another package because we had found out right before that Emerson had hurt her finger. This time I sent a normal sized bib along with some ointment and bandaids (along with another pair of leggings).

A picture of us doing the "I love you" sign used for children in Korea.

So I was feeling a bit like a rebel sending these care packages outside of our agency. The policy was that we could only send a package during Christmas and birthdays, and during the two times a year an agency representative would travel to Korea. I actually didn't know this for sure until end of last year when they noted it in a newsletter. But last week they announced that due to the increase in wait time, we would now be allowed to send a package once a month. I hope we are traveling soon, but in the meantime I'm going to start on my package for next month! I already bought two more pair of leggings. :)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I wanted to say A BIG HUGE thanks to Karen and Kimberly for letting me send a package through and with them this past month. There is something so very special about being able to send a package to our waiting daughter. With each item I touch and put in the gift bag, it brings her just a tad bit closer and helps relieve some of the heartache of being apart.

Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who reached out after reading my last post. I feel extremely blessed to have the support, love, and prayers of so many wonderful people. Thank you!

Last Night...

ETA 4/11/12: I wrote this post last week and had it up for about a day before taking it down. I've decided to put it back up. I wanted to keep this blog as happy and joyful for Emerson, but it should be truthful. And the truth is I miss her. To the point of heartbreak.

___________________

Last Night...

... I dreamt that I met Emerson. She and her foster mom were in a small schoolhouse and I walked in and saw her sitting on the floor.

The details are fuzzy but I remember kissing her cheeks and distinctly remember how soft they felt against my lips. Her hair was so soft under my hands. I also vividly remember her sweet baby smell as I held her tightly.

This wait is so so so hard. I don't know if it's because of that dream and then waking up to the reality that we still have to wait so long to be with her, but I'm just in a dark, sad place today. I'm sitting at work and just can't stop crying. The tears just won't stop.

I miss you so much Emerson.

March Update

We got new pictures and an update!

I'm 20 months old!

Emerson went in for her monthly check up last week. She is wearing the sweater we sent to her back in September. It's just now fitting her! I don't know why our agency recommends sending clothes a size bigger. I guess it's because they can always layer. That was very sweet and thoughtful of her foster mom to dress her in the sweater we sent for this visit.

Some new things mentioned in the update we received were that she recognizes herself in photos, attempts to comfort others in distress, and that she defends her possessions, LOL.

That line about her comforting others melts my heart. Her being possessive cracks me up! I miss her so!